2nd Moment

You know why I quoted that mail at the end of our conversation? Just remind you that we’ve been down this path of taking a break and it has left us both miserable.

In every little thing that I have done may be I’ve not been the best friend but the care that I have is not fake or not pretentious.

I will not say that I do anything because I just feel – you are talking like me these days anyway, I do things because I feel like doing them because I care about you or may be you will interpret it as selfishness.

I am not sure when we will talk and I know every day we don’t its make me enjoy and more angry. Why do you do this? Its as if every time you feel like you will push me out and when you feel like take me back. I’m not some kind of a pet you know. Even people don’t behave like this with animals! Why do you do such a thing? I just can’t understand. What do you get out of hurting me? Why? Why? Why? ……. Why?

It’s a horrible thing to say but today, I felt as if it would so much better had we never met. It’s a cruel thing to wonder about. Do you know sometimes it is so hard to even think?

You have vowed to speak what’s on your mind and yet you hide so much. You hide the confusion in your mind. Teaching you the necessity to speak your mind has been incomplete. The idea is to clarify doubts, dilemmas, find answers and meanings. But you still run away and hide inside your shell and that’s stupid.

I am not sure in spite of reading all that I wrote I’m not sure what the exact feeling inside me is.

I want to hate you. I hate you – I guess so – I mean I should after all you are mean and hurtful.

But, I’m not able to – I mean every time I think of snapping all contacts – I make up my mind but I guess my heart doesn’t agree. I was just thinking – may be, if at all I’m no longer your friend who will throw your 30th birthday party. I mean I guess there will be people who will – but not me I mean … I don’t know!

You know last month I traveled very near to your house and through the streets we used to walk and in the middle of a serious conversation with a colleague – I smiled I did - and I don’t know why.

We are very different. But I don’t believe that I can’t work over those. I think we have – and we can.

You know someone had once said that ‘I love you’ are the biggest tax benefits one has. You know why because every one uses them all the time. I’m not sure I agree. You know from my previous relationships I had learnt it is more important to tell people that you love them. But from your friendship I have learnt love is not enough – it’s just not enough.
You know I wanted to tell you o many things – so many times. But every time I waited for us to become ‘closer’ friends where in you wouldn’t judge me, hate me, leave me.