1 st Moment
I am hurt and yet there is the returning to the same person for words of consolation. I am not even sure why I am scribbling this sometimes it is something entirely futile.
Although there must be at least a thousand reasons for you to leave me, I cannot find one good enough. Every time you leave I promise myself – no more this is the last time. To ruin someone’s happiness is a crime which you commit every time and yet I feel at the very end at a loss without you.
Is it a lack of confidence? I’m not sure I know – I don’t want to know the answer.
How easily you said that day – “it doesn’t hurt” when I pinched you. As if it was a state of salvation you had achieved after such a lot of meditation but is it – was it said to hurt me? I felt hurt. Totally hurt, why?
Because I wish to hurt you by pinching and you want to prove to me – that I don’t have the capacity to hurt you anymore !
In spite of all the trials that ‘we’, yes we have been through and each time I have been positive hoping that we are growing stronger. That’s the reason there wasn’t any doubt about being there as your friend on your ‘sacred’ 30th birthday.
You counted all the reminder setting mechanical devices – computer, cell would fail so the best place to keep the reminder would be my brain – strange that you didn’t question the lasting ability of our relationship.
One more strangeness – you don’t refer to our friendship – you call it our relationship.
Sometimes I wonder have you finally started looking at things my way – not as something with boundaries, rules and regulations not something tied down by a terminology like ‘friend’ but free flowing like water taking the shape of any container you use.
Am I being too philosophical?
I’m extremely complicated for you? Right???
Although there must be at least a thousand reasons for you to leave me, I cannot find one good enough. Every time you leave I promise myself – no more this is the last time. To ruin someone’s happiness is a crime which you commit every time and yet I feel at the very end at a loss without you.
Is it a lack of confidence? I’m not sure I know – I don’t want to know the answer.
How easily you said that day – “it doesn’t hurt” when I pinched you. As if it was a state of salvation you had achieved after such a lot of meditation but is it – was it said to hurt me? I felt hurt. Totally hurt, why?
Because I wish to hurt you by pinching and you want to prove to me – that I don’t have the capacity to hurt you anymore !
In spite of all the trials that ‘we’, yes we have been through and each time I have been positive hoping that we are growing stronger. That’s the reason there wasn’t any doubt about being there as your friend on your ‘sacred’ 30th birthday.
You counted all the reminder setting mechanical devices – computer, cell would fail so the best place to keep the reminder would be my brain – strange that you didn’t question the lasting ability of our relationship.
One more strangeness – you don’t refer to our friendship – you call it our relationship.
Sometimes I wonder have you finally started looking at things my way – not as something with boundaries, rules and regulations not something tied down by a terminology like ‘friend’ but free flowing like water taking the shape of any container you use.
Am I being too philosophical?
I’m extremely complicated for you? Right???
posted by clytemnestra @ 9:46 AM
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